Vessels

A toppled vessel will reveal its content. What does it contain all along? As a vessel of God, what flows out of you when you're toppled? Honey, vinegar, fresh water or poison? May we guard our hearts always and let God fill us with the right attitude all the time...

My Turn To Be Angry

I've not felt this way for a long time. Can you love someone and hate her ways? Yes, we've all heard it before isn't it, like God loving us but not our sins. But when you've experienced it yourself, this is a very strange and comflicting emotion.

If you want a feel of the roller-coaster emotions I've been through lately, please read my earlier posts on Affirmations, Which Way and God's Touch.

I've been doing patch-works in my team these days, playing the peace-maker for everyone and when everyone is sort of settled, then, voila! It's my turn to be angry! The first time in 15 months since joining this company that I was really angry!

In the past, I could be heart-brokened, tired and disappointed, but my wrath was always short-lived because God's grace would break through somehow. But two nights' back, I've had enough! Throughout the evening with this person, I kept hearing repetitive self-pity whinings and complaints about the job, the customers etc. Worse than these, the same offensive impudence leveled at me whenever she's in a lousy mood! What did I do to deserve this disrespect when I've been kind and nurturning to her all along?

The problem between us has blown over since then, but I'm left with this bitter after-taste. I'm seriously considering letting her go. I still love her and can't imagine leaving her totally alone, but I can't stand bearing with her recurring insolence and mood-swings anymore...

Yes, I still love her, if you have any idea how far we've come since day 1, I can cry this very moment... but I'm sick and tired of her ways. I do worry for her, but at the same time, I would like to stay away...

Can you imagine this! "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" You hear it?! God is loving the entire world! Do you know how many people there are in the entire world, and all through the centuries? And loves them to death!

My point is, it's so tiring even to love just ONE!

Angry Young Man

I met an angry young man yesterday. His job was to clear dishes at a public eatery. As usual after Church service, we went to this eatery for lunch and I helped clear the table by removing a tray. I thought I was doing a favour by helping to return the tray to the cleaner's trolley. But before I could put down the tray, it was tore forcefully from my hand! I was totally shock by the young cleaner's rudeness as I started flinging away the waste water that was spilled onto my hands.

Undeterred, he flared his eyes at me and shouted, "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS TRAY!!!"

"I've no idea..." 'cos I didn't put it there myself...

"YOU MEAN YOU TOOK THE TRAY HERE AND YOU HAVE NOOOO IDEA WHERE YOU'VE FOUND IT?!"

I couldn't believe his temper! I wished somebody would leash him there and then before he charged at me. I'd a few choices then, one, to challenge him, get his name so that I can lodge a complaint against him and get him out of job, two, stand my ground and tell him, "SHUT UP, JUST DO YOUR JOB!", or ..., something more peaceful.

He was the one with the bad attitude, not me, so I chose the easier way out of that sticky situation. I touched his shoulder slightly and said, "You don't have to be like this young man..." and I turned and hurried off as fast as I could, not giving him a chance to challenge me further.

When I sat down, I saw him complaining about my unpardonable sin to the other customers... Why did he kick up such a fuss? Perhaps I shouldn't have put that tray onto his trolley, but couldn't he just explain why?

The thoughts that ran through my mind; he must be a school drop-out, uneducated, couldn't find a better job, sick of clearing cups and plates, sick of returning trays to the rightful stall-keepers, and sick of customers making his job more complicated, more drudgery than it was... Frankly, I was thinking if he couldn't handle such a simple job, what good is he?

In stark contrast to him, I've met another young man who has been through much hardships but that didn't stop him from treating others with respect!

ATTITUDE, it makes ALL the difference in life!

欢迎你们！

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God's Touch

Our God is real and alive, but sometimes lost in outer space... Though you know that He cares, to the extent of knowing the number of hair on your head, being concern with the minutest details of your lives, yet when you are in a pit for too long, you'll begin to doubt Him... like in my case, when I begin to doubt whether He has indeed placed me in the ministry where He has placed me...

Dragging my tired body to bed on Saturday night, I prayed, "Lord it has to end soon for I badly needed a break." Sleep came past 1 a.m. and and a nightmare ensued in the early morning. Waking up with fatigue I sent a message to my team that I would not go down to the field after church service on Sunday. But, I changed my mind after a cup of coffee. Caffeine works wonder!?

No, I just couldn't let go. I needed to see how my charges (people whom Christ has placed in my care) are doing. Somehow on the way to church, I was inspired to pray, "Lord, I will do what You want me to do, to my last breath, till my last step (even when I'm flat out on my back)." Running through my mind was a image of a guy guarding the Cross of Christ in this wonderful flash video "Duty" from donghaeng.net

One of my charges who attends church with me brought along her friend! Her simple act encouraged me. Then during worship, the songs ministered to me. The lyrics resonated with all the thoughts God has placed in my heart this past one year. "Press on, continue the good works for Christ no matter how hard the journey". "You're a vessel, made and chosen to serve." "Place your life on the altar (again)" During communion time, the short admonition given was, "The things we do right and wrong in our lives are like many pluses and crosses, but no matter how many crosses we've accumulated, there is now therefore no comdemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus". These are the affirmations I needed to hear; God's stamp of approval, mandate to continue, comfort, counsel and hope. I took in everything and knew in my heart that it's a right decision to go down to the field, again...

What confronted me in the field was the same human relationship problems.

However, I went door knocking with my first charge for a few hours, and dated another for dinner for another 2 hours. In the midst of work, I listened to my first charge as she poured out her worries and concerns about her future and offered my point of view. She felt better after that, I hope.

During dinner with my second charge, I listened wide-eyed to his horrific and frightful accounts of abuse he'd endured as a child. As he exposed his emotional scars at the dining table in a busy market place where human traffic swirled around, I detected a slight tremor in his body and when I touched his hand, it was cold, clammy and damp. I listened intently as he related incident after incident of child-abuse and shuddered. As he talked and I listened, our eyes were hardly dry. Towards the end, I reached out to hold his hand, then we clasped our hands and prayed. I prayed that God would heal his memories, his wounds and that he would know God and His peace and joy, and that God who loves, knows and preserves him would bless his future and not let anything he has endured gone to waste and would make everything work together for good. After this, he walked with me to my train station and we parted. He left only after when I was totally out of his sight.

My heart aches for this young man, how could any parent do such things to their child?!

I reached home near midnight with joy and thanksgiving! I was thankful that I'd gone down, and once again, be used as a vessel, a channel of blessing to those He loves. They are beset with bad memories of past hurt and fear for their future. I couldn't do much, but only listen to them, be their sounding board, comforting and affirming them, then, I remind them of God's sovereignity, sometimes bringing them to God's presence, and let the Lord minister to them Himself. Only God can meet their needs.

I'm contented to be Andrew, who brought Peter to Christ. Praise God! And may the Lord God keep them and preserve them to the end, and let no one snatch them out of His loving hand!

Affirmations

The situation in my ministry is getting complex and sticky. Human beings are complex and sticky. While I was comforted by God's words from 1Co 9:22-23 "To the weak I became weak, that I might gain the weak: I am become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some. And I do all things for the gospel’s sake, that I may be a joint partaker thereof ", I'm remorseful of the ways I'd responded to some of the things in the past...

I'm confused about what had happened and how much I'd contributed to the mess, and whether I was misled etc.. I really wish I can put an end to all these now. I really wish to just turn over whatever unfinished work to Christ and leave for a while. Anyway, I don't see myself helping out much nowadays, I've cracked my mind thinking of all sort of means and ways to help my charges in their work, but they are not progressing now, being beset by personal problems beyond them. I've counselled them to no avail. I feel so useless. Even bringing them to Church now seems riddled with new problems.

Everyone in my team is disheartened with poor business and broken relationships. I'm sick of it.

But my spouse interrupted my thoughts with this, "God's ways are higher than yours..." Yes, while I feel overwhelmed, I would like to affirm that God is sovereign and know my thoughts and ways. He has used me, a cracked pot in this ministry and knew the mistakes I would make, and still, He has chosen me to do it. I shall continue to believe that God is in control, that doors which He has opened, no man shall close. God will have His way, and God will take care of those He loves, and those He loves through me.

Which Way?

I've not been blogging much lately because of the confidentiality of the burdens I'm carrying. It concerns the lives of others and I can't simply blurt it all out in my blog, although the people concern will most probably never get to read it...

This morning, I've spent some time reading other Christian blogs and these brothers and sisters in Christ have certainly blessed me one way or another, but I'm too tired to link their blogs here to acknowledge what a blessing they've been to me, may be another time.

Things they have said that encouraged me; that we must continue to share Christ, that we should not be afraid of evil forces... my mind is so muddled now that I can't recall all, but the essence is, fight the good fight...

As children of God, you and I are not alone. We have God on our side and we have a whole horde of brothers and sisters all over the world living their lives out for God. This is an encouraging thought.

In my own ministry, where just a few weeks' back I thought I knew exactly what God had wanted me to do, NOW, I'm lost again! I'm lost because I've discovered that many things that had happened in the past weren't what I'd thought them to be! I'm referring to the facades that men put up, truths half told (which didn't form the whole picture) and I felt I've been misled by the very people I've helped. I've analysed the situations over and over, and I own up to the fact that it takes two hands and sometimes more than two hands to clap. I've done wrong in a number of situations based on my failure to comprehend the entire situation.

I've lost trust in some people. I still love them. I was weary and now I'm also wary. I need wisdom. My desire is to continue to do God's will, so please pray for me for the courage to continue and discernment to know what to do next. Thank you.

"Duty" from donghaeng.net Korea

Play the Music Video (flash): Duty (downloaded from Raymond Lam's blog)