Still musing over yesterday's uncalled for comment from my colleague that I'm "unfit" for the job, this thought came into my mind this morning, "Either way, you loose". That is no matter how you're performing in your job, you will not be able to shut the mouths of people who just like to pass comment on you.
I've been working hard at my job and honestly, I've always been over-delivering in all my previous places of employment, in terms of the quality and quantity of work. All my supervisors will attest to this fact. I've my fair share of compliments about my job attitude and performance. So when some colleagues who are working in the same field but in different centers enquire about the things I've been doing in my center, I share with them, thinking that we're mutually exchanging useful info that will enhance each other's work, and for mutual support and edification, especially when such sharing is among Christians. But what I get back from some of them is this, "You're working too hard, doing too much, you've spoilt the market for us!" They feel intimidated that I've over-shadowed them. BUT that isn't my intention, I just simply apply myself fully to my job, I want to do well, to answer to myself, using my God-given abilities to do a job well that would well testify to the faith I hold. I've never aim to show anyone down, I only worry that I'm not doing well enough.
So there, when I do well, they talk, when I fall and grumble about the difficulties in my job, they talk, either way, I can't win... so to speak.
After a cup of coffee, suddenly I wise up this morning, so be it. It's my choice! I will continue to give my best to my job, and complain less (can't say for sure that I can internalise all nonsense without a sound).
So that's it. Life continues. :) Thanks for listening.
Let me see how it goes, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake ... " Ah, how I badly need this, lying down in green pastures, without a care in the world, walking besides still waters, ah the serenity, having my soul, my whole being from top to toe restored, being able to sleep like a log, nope, a pig rather (cos a pig breathes, a log doesn't), EVERY night. Yes, even walking in paths of righteousness, yes for His name's sake means something to me. I've tried to walk right, I tried.
I'd made bad mistakes at earlier work places and promised myself to learn from them. I would not repeat them and I really worked hard at NOT repeating them. But there are some innate tendencies within me that I would eventually respond in a certain way to certain triggers. Like when the boss tried to extend my already 'extended' work hours. I almost blasted out, but under control and I walked away quickly lest it would turn really ugly. She relented and realized my difficulties. Two awkward days' passed by and we seemed to be getting along well. She even acceded to my request to use another place to do my work when the noise level gets too high.
Seemed like everything was back to normal, but sometimes troubles just come looking for you. I trusted someone at my work place and thought I've found a new friend. I related my earlier unhappiness to her and regretted it. I should have heeded what God's Word says about grumbling. This might have given her the impression that I couldn't take the work pressure. So what happened today... I was just sharing with her that it was tough managing the behaviours of some kids. To my utter surprise, she said the most nasty thing to me! She said, "If you can't take this (children's misbehaviours), you're not fit to do this (my job)." 'NOT FIT'? These were strong words! She realized her slip of the tongue and tried to turn the situation around by saying something, but my mind just... I was just fuming beneath my breath. I told her that I was merely sharing the problems I face at work, and that if I can't take this, I would have quit. I could see her bewilderment, knowing she'd offended me.
Later part of the day I recited to myself as I returned to teach my third class. As I walked in, I recalled, "Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger..." "He who overlooks an offence seeks love." Argh. I completed my lesson, spoke briefly with her as is my usual custom and left.
My spouse complimented me for learning how to re-establish a work relationship. But the truth is I'm still dealing with the hurt! Well, I think she didn't mean what she said, she could have meant it as a counsel, but it didn't come out right! Goodness, am I being overly sensitive or do I have a reason to be thus? My decision? Yes, I decide to overlook the offence, it was a slip of the tongue, I blunder many times thus too... Sigh, now where is that green patch of grass? I need to lie down...
In that year I'd tried loving you in Jesus' name, but when I realized how much hurt it had caused us, I'm sorry that I've just got to let you go and I did.
I'd let you go so many months back, keeping my distance from you, but you stuck on. You sensed something amiss and knew what was happening, yet you tenaciously clinged on, hoping I would change my mind. I couldn't. How I dreaded to see you, hear you, that even an sms from you would sent me into sleepless nights. I gave you time to adjust and to accept this fact, that the damage in our relationship is irreversible and I just couldn't bring myself near you again.
I'm sorry, I really have not forgotten my promise to take care of you, but I just can't do it anymore. Perhaps one day Jesus will heal the wounds in you and I, but for now, I just wish you the best in your future as you return to your homeland.
As I continue my daily chores, there is a faint lingering ache somewhere inside which I want to ignore. I know things will be better with time, for you and for me. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise, but it wouldn't do us any good even if I'd force myself to continue with you, there'll be more hurts and pains. But I remain your friend, and your sister-in-Christ, and I truly wish that you will live happily, grow and mature in the Lord. May the Lord bless you my young friend, do not give up on your faith in Christ, I've failed you, but God did not.