Remembering Her

The elder daughter woke up in the night shouting, “Mother! Mother!”

The younger daughter walked straight into her mother’s room as if she was still alive and called out, “Mother!” She lingered inside and called again, “Mother!” as her relatives waited outside worrying if she had gone nuts.

Yes, my two sister-in-laws are still grieving over the lost of their beloved mother, my mother-in-law who had passed away a fortnight ago.

Though not as affected, I too try to recapture some memories of her. How she'd touched my foot after I’d given birth to her first grandson. How she’d listened to my troubles and counseled me after my mom’s stroke and how she’d watched over me when I’d food poisoning (and that was immediately after she'd buried her husband).

I remember her as a loving mother. She was like forever fussing over her children and their families. Sometimes in expressing, repeating and reiterating her concerns for them, her words and actions came across as interference and weren’t appreciated, but yet, greatly missed when she’s gone.

I remember her forbearance, how she took the offences of her children in her strides and never ceased to love them and be of service to them.

One question came to mind as I ponder over her life and deeds. Were all her aspirations for her children met and fulfilled? Like a seed fallen into the ground and died, and then it’ll germinate and grow to bear fruits, I feel that though she couldn’t see her hopes materializing in her lifetime, some of what she’d hoped for may take place after her death. But then... some of what she’d hoped for may never happen... Still all things should work together for good as God is in control.

Another thought came to my mind too. She had led an exemplary life in terms of her deeds, love, kindness and forbearance towards her family and some others etc. Yet she'd seldom received the kind of attention she deserved in her life's time. And in her last days, she didn't get the kind of attention that she herself had showered upon her ailing spouse before his death. I felt that she'd been short-changed in life, even if this had been what she would have accepted 'cos she had always downplay her own welfare and asked us not to fuss over her if she should go...

I try to see her death in perspective but sometimes I can’t help but feel sad about life itself. Life seems so futile. You labored all your life over your loved ones. How much do they perceive of your work? They’ll miss you when you’re gone, for a while and you’ll be forgotten. The only comforting thought in the midst of all these is the fact that Jesus has saved us and death is a release from life’s labors.

So these are my just random thoughts... at least we have God.

Forsake Us Not

I have no idea what the lyrics in one of our church's communion songs mean until I see what's happening to my mother-in-law, whom in her old age and sickness, has no recollection of who we, her kinsmen are. One part of the lyrics goes something like this, "And when these failing lips grow dumb, and mind and memory flee ... my Lord, remember me." Despite her illness, I still see God's grace in her life.

Some days' back I whispered in her ears, 'Mother-in-law, how are you? I'm ST." She had no response. I continued, "Jesus is with you, every moment..." She nodded in acknowledgement. I stroke her shoulder a little and momentarily she seemed to recognise who I was, but that split-second of recognition subsided just as quickly as it arose and she slipped back into her dazed state.

A few days' before this she was asking her daughter who isn't a Christian what heaven is like and she couldn't answer. So I whispered to her, "You will see Jesus in heaven, father-in-law will be there for you, that is a place with no sickness, pain nor tears..." She didn't respond, her memory has certainly fled. But this I'm sure, God will remember her.

We are doing all we can to make her last days as comfortable as possible.

RSV Psalms 71:

Verse 6: "Upon thee I have leaned from my birth; thou art he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually of thee."

Verse 9: "Do no cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent." Verse 17: "O God, from my youth thou hast taught me, and I still proclaim thy wondrous deeds. Verse 18: "So even to old age and grey hairs, O God, do not forsake me, till I proclaim thy might to all the generations to come."

When You Were But A Puny Little Fellow

When you were but a puny little fellow,

they'd spent much time teaching you how to use the spoon and fork,

teaching you how to put on a shirt, tie your shoe laces and button up,

teaching you how to wash your face and comb your hair,

teaching you how to wipe your nose, and your butt,

teaching you about life.

Remember the song that you took so long to learn?

Remember your incessant challenging questions?

So ...

when they grow old,

when they can't recall things, or can't catch up in speech,

when they repeat a past moment of glory for the nth time,

please be patient with them.

When they've forgotten how to tie their shoes,

when they begin to spill stuff onto their clothes,

when their hands tremble as they comb their hair,

please don't hurry them,

because as you grow up gradually,

they'll grow old eventually.

They will be contented as long as they are near enough to behold you,

it'll bless their hearts,

when the day comes when they can't stand for long or walk without aid,

when you hold them tightly, and walk closely besides,

just like

the good old days, when they held you closely by their side...

Happy Birthday To Me

You're invited to coffee fellowship,

and at the same time, you're welcome to

join in my celebration.
Now clear your throat and sing with me:

Ahem ...

"Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to MYYYSELFF ...
Happy birthday to Meeeeeeee ..."

Now isn't that wonderful? I am 51 years young! Praise the Lord! Praise God for tolerating my existence for so long, heeheehee. Given Him a lot of trouble in my life. Thank you God for loving me so. I love you for you have first loved me.

Coffee, anyone?

Too Old?

Have been job searching.

Saw an ad: "Part-time admin support needed".

Called up, "Hi, I'm responding to your ad for admin part-timers, may I know more about the job?"

Response, "How old are you?"

Reply, "51" (coming to that is)

Reaction, "Oh, I think you're too old for the job ..."

Hm ... I'm too old eh? Not exactly surprised by this reaction ... though it can still be discouraging to hear it. But hey! My comfort is, we're all growing older, nally nally boo boo, unless you're a Benjamin Button (interesting movie).

Now for some intriguing, mind-boggling, soul-searching questions.

What has age got to do with a part-time admin post? Do I have to carry heavy stuff? Do I have to solve the mystery of the beginning of the universe? (Although I know how it all began, ahem) Honestly, will the young be willing to do mundane part-time admin duties for the long haul? They are restless and won't stay long, unless this job pays exceedingly well, which I doubt.

Shrug. I'm not complaining, just thinking aloud.

Today's newspaper carries an article on the prejudices faced by older folks from all walks of life. All older people, regardless of their educational level, skills or stations are facing this problem.

Tough.

But take comfort, God loves you all the same. :)

Miraculous Things Happen After 50?

Was channel surfing as usual after dinner and watched Oprah Winfrey announcing, "Miraculous things can happen after 50!"

The programme went on to show clips on both the famous and gorgeous looking unknowns advocating how wonderful it is to hit 50. They chorused the age-old advice not to dwell on past regrets, if any, but to look forward to a fulfilling life ahead, throwing off all the inhibitions that once controlled you.

Well shreding off old inhibitions is one message that appeals to me. You've lived that long and done that much, why should you still be worried about what others think or like?

Then again, there's this nudging feeling that I ought to be more 'successful' in life, that I could get more out of life. I've never achieved anything great in life, career wise, cos I've my priorities and my job is always at the bottom of the list.

I thank God that He had given me time to attend to all the things I'd deemed important in my life; the top most being, being there for my children when they needed me most. They have grown up and have developed into young men whom I'm very proud of. And my husband has been the ever loving and supportive spouse I'd married 26 years' ago. Throughout my entire life, I've never suffered a day of hunger or want.

WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?

This one thing ... personal success.

What have I done or built, solely on my own effort that I can show of? (Note: I'm not talking about 'showing off', I'm not talking about pride here, but something that gives me the satisfaction that say, hey I've done this alone!) Like say, a business, a career, a respectable bank account, or a passion of worth? Something that I've achieved entirely on my own?

Nothing.

Life is like a knitted cloak, and we're all knitted into each other's life, holding all the knots together side by side. Our lives are intertwined and all our deeds, no matter how great or little, will impact others and leave traces in their lives. In this respect, I know that as long as I've done what I'm supposed to do, God is pleased with me.

In my case, I wouldn't trade any of those parenting years to climb the corporate ladder. If I'd gone career building, who would have cared for my children as much as I did? There are women who can multi-task and juggle all their roles perfectly, but not me. I can only focus on one important task at a time. I have never regretted my choice, yet ...

Yet ... I often struggle with such restlessness within. And there's a name to this feeling ...

DISCONTENTMENT

I'm still searching for that elusive 'success' to call my own.

(Perhaps, Robert T. Kiyosaki's books are too potent an influence on me)

For 6 years I've been searching and searching, learning and doing new things. Six interesting years, with no regrets, just that I've not found the key to unlock 'success'. What goes on in my mind now is just too complex to be written.

So what am I doing now? Kinda 'gainfully employed' on a part-time basis upon my own choice, but far far away from the state of success I'd wish I would be in. I don't seem to be doing anything meaningful. Memories of the past few years beckon me, I've not completely given up on wealth building since my last sales job where my company got embroiled in a court case.

It's such an irony. The handful of friends who have been searching with me would understand what I'm talking about. Imagine, working so hard for nothing and enjoying every moment of it because I was pursuing a dream (former sales job), and now ...

All I ask is to be happy with what I'm doing!

In contrast to my situation, my dear spouse is diligently carving out his new career now. His former full-time job was outsourced 2 years' back. Though not earning the same level of income he was used to, he's contented with his new free-lance work. His cheese has been moved, it wasn't easy for him, but he has learnt to find new cheese. He's enjoying his work, believing in it, and building up new skills and knowledge to be equipped for it. Good for him.

Guess I've mixed up Significance for Success.

A still small voice reminds me that there's so much more potential I could develop as a child of God, that if only I could hold still in His hands, He would make something out of me.

Be still O my soul, why are you disquieted within me?