Was channel surfing as usual after dinner and watched Oprah Winfrey announcing, "Miraculous things can happen after 50!"
The programme went on to show clips on both the famous and gorgeous looking unknowns advocating how wonderful it is to hit 50. They chorused the age-old advice not to dwell on past regrets, if any, but to look forward to a fulfilling life ahead, throwing off all the inhibitions that once controlled you.
Well shreding off old inhibitions is one message that appeals to me. You've lived that long and done that much, why should you still be worried about what others think or like?
Then again, there's this nudging feeling that I ought to be more 'successful' in life, that I could get more out of life. I've never achieved anything great in life, career wise, cos I've my priorities and my job is always at the bottom of the list.
I thank God that He had given me time to attend to all the things I'd deemed important in my life; the top most being, being there for my children when they needed me most. They have grown up and have developed into young men whom I'm very proud of. And my husband has been the ever loving and supportive spouse I'd married 26 years' ago. Throughout my entire life, I've never suffered a day of hunger or want.
WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?
This one thing ... personal success.
What have I done or built, solely on my own effort that I can show of? (Note: I'm not talking about 'showing off', I'm not talking about pride here, but something that gives me the satisfaction that say, hey I've done this alone!) Like say, a business, a career, a respectable bank account, or a passion of worth? Something that I've achieved entirely on my own?
Life is like a knitted cloak, and we're all knitted into each other's life, holding all the knots together side by side. Our lives are intertwined and all our deeds, no matter how great or little, will impact others and leave traces in their lives. In this respect, I know that as long as I've done what I'm supposed to do, God is pleased with me.
In my case, I wouldn't trade any of those parenting years to climb the corporate ladder. If I'd gone career building, who would have cared for my children as much as I did? There are women who can multi-task and juggle all their roles perfectly, but not me. I can only focus on one important task at a time. I have never regretted my choice, yet ...
Yet ... I often struggle with such restlessness within. And there's a name to this feeling ...
I'm still searching for that elusive 'success' to call my own.
(Perhaps, Robert T. Kiyosaki's books are too potent an influence on me)
For 6 years I've been searching and searching, learning and doing new things. Six interesting years, with no regrets, just that I've not found the key to unlock 'success'. What goes on in my mind now is just too complex to be written.
So what am I doing now? Kinda 'gainfully employed' on a part-time basis upon my own choice, but far far away from the state of success I'd wish I would be in. I don't seem to be doing anything meaningful. Memories of the past few years beckon me, I've not completely given up on wealth building since my last sales job where my company got embroiled in a court case.
It's such an irony. The handful of friends who have been searching with me would understand what I'm talking about. Imagine, working so hard for nothing and enjoying every moment of it because I was pursuing a dream (former sales job), and now ...
All I ask is to be happy with what I'm doing!
In contrast to my situation, my dear spouse is diligently carving out his new career now. His former full-time job was outsourced 2 years' back. Though not earning the same level of income he was used to, he's contented with his new free-lance work. His cheese has been moved, it wasn't easy for him, but he has learnt to find new cheese. He's enjoying his work, believing in it, and building up new skills and knowledge to be equipped for it. Good for him.
Guess I've mixed up Significance for Success.
A still small voice reminds me that there's so much more potential I could develop as a child of God, that if only I could hold still in His hands, He would make something out of me.
Be still O my soul, why are you disquieted within me?