My Turn To Be Angry

I've not felt this way for a long time. Can you love someone and hate her ways? Yes, we've all heard it before isn't it, like God loving us but not our sins. But when you've experienced it yourself, this is a very strange and comflicting emotion.

If you want a feel of the roller-coaster emotions I've been through lately, please read my earlier posts on Affirmations, Which Way and God's Touch.

I've been doing patch-works in my team these days, playing the peace-maker for everyone and when everyone is sort of settled, then, voila! It's my turn to be angry! The first time in 15 months since joining this company that I was really angry!

In the past, I could be heart-brokened, tired and disappointed, but my wrath was always short-lived because God's grace would break through somehow. But two nights' back, I've had enough! Throughout the evening with this person, I kept hearing repetitive self-pity whinings and complaints about the job, the customers etc. Worse than these, the same offensive impudence leveled at me whenever she's in a lousy mood! What did I do to deserve this disrespect when I've been kind and nurturning to her all along?

The problem between us has blown over since then, but I'm left with this bitter after-taste. I'm seriously considering letting her go. I still love her and can't imagine leaving her totally alone, but I can't stand bearing with her recurring insolence and mood-swings anymore...

Yes, I still love her, if you have any idea how far we've come since day 1, I can cry this very moment... but I'm sick and tired of her ways. I do worry for her, but at the same time, I would like to stay away...

Can you imagine this! "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" You hear it?! God is loving the entire world! Do you know how many people there are in the entire world, and all through the centuries? And loves them to death!

My point is, it's so tiring even to love just ONE!


MTJ said...

Hi Jane,

I bless you my dear loving sister in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

In my professional career, I've had to, counsel, discipline and terminate employees. It was never easy to talk to an adult about their performance which is different from their productivity.

I will leave it to the Holy Spirt who guides you in all things to give you insight.

As you say, "Can you imagine this! "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" You hear it?! God is loving the entire world! Do you know how many people there are in the entire world, and all through the centuries? And loves them to death!"

When you speak of how tiring it is to love just one, I'm reminded of how Paul (in Romans and Galatians compared our relationship with God to the Jew who trusted in the Law.

Paul explains that the Law sets one up for a performance-based relationship with God that ultimately end in frustration when one realizes that they are unable to fulfill the law.

From the exhaustion and frustration one will either give up or become a hypocrite; giving only the appearance of piety.

Grace is not exhausting to the believer because we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to do what God has purposed us to do; God cannot depend on us to do it on our own. There is endless peace in the grace of God, even when there appears to be utter chaos all around us; we are at peace with God and with others.

Though we live geographically distant from one another, your life and my life have crossed paths by the providence of God. We've never met and yet I have you, your husband, your son and the ministry God called you to, in my prayers. God loves you so much Jane and by His grace he has given me a love for you and your family.

"Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning."

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living."

"O Lord my God, I cried to Thee for help and Thou didst heal me"

"The Lord hears when I call to Him."

I could go on and on but I'm just trying to get you to re-focus your view and look to the author and finisher of our faith Jane. Do not look to the problem for a solution, look to Jesus Christ..."who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross"

Bless you Jane, and peace be with you.


Jane said...

Thank you for your good counsel, my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak, let me take a break before I shall consider how I should proceed. Thanks for your love and prayers brother, thank you for having met you here.

Merana Leigh said...

I can SO relate to this post. Truthfully, it's the way I feel about my older son OFTEN. I love him, but sometimes I sure don't like him very much (mostly b/c he reminds me SO much of my ex-husband, his father & I have to remind myself that I'm arguing with a child). But he gets so negative & so nasty sometimes & lashes out at everyone. Then he says, almost with pride, "Well, what do you want, I'm just like dad." To which I always say, "Yeah, and I didn't tolerate that either, did I?" It's a hard line to walk. But, respect is hands-down THE most important thing to have in a relationship & if she doesn't give it to you, you have to provide written warnings & then she will just have to suffer the consequences if her behavior continues.

I found you thru MTJ (above) & am so glad I did. I look forward to following you & invite you to do the same.

Blessings in Christ ~ Merana

Jane said...

Thanks Merana, yes, I'll follow you too! :)