Too Old?

Have been job searching.

Saw an ad: "Part-time admin support needed".

Called up, "Hi, I'm responding to your ad for admin part-timers, may I know more about the job?"

Response, "How old are you?"

Reply, "51" (coming to that is)

Reaction, "Oh, I think you're too old for the job ..."

Hm ... I'm too old eh? Not exactly surprised by this reaction ... though it can still be discouraging to hear it. But hey! My comfort is, we're all growing older, nally nally boo boo, unless you're a Benjamin Button (interesting movie).

Now for some intriguing, mind-boggling, soul-searching questions.

What has age got to do with a part-time admin post? Do I have to carry heavy stuff? Do I have to solve the mystery of the beginning of the universe? (Although I know how it all began, ahem) Honestly, will the young be willing to do mundane part-time admin duties for the long haul? They are restless and won't stay long, unless this job pays exceedingly well, which I doubt.

Shrug. I'm not complaining, just thinking aloud.

Today's newspaper carries an article on the prejudices faced by older folks from all walks of life. All older people, regardless of their educational level, skills or stations are facing this problem.

Tough.

But take comfort, God loves you all the same. :)

Out Of Job

"Will you be able to convert into full time?"

"Huh? Oh ... no, I'm afraid not ..."

"Then I'm sorry to inform you that we can't continue to employ you."

"Oh ... er ... all right ..."

Somewhat surprised, "Are you sure?"

"Yes", somewhat speechless, "Yes, I understand."

I dont know what else to say. I've kinda of seen this coming as they don't seem to know how to utilize my services, and I think they worry too much.

I've signed a one-year contract to work part-time in a school, you see. They've registered my existence with the Government Ministry, placed my photo in their annual report, pasted it up in their notice board and did all other necessary official stuff to establish my station with them. Yet a few months into the job, they suddenly decide without prior warning that I should convert into a full-timer.

I thank God that He has given me the privilege to choose my lifestyle and for reasons peculiar to my family, I am not prepared to do full-time.

Flashback to my interview with them five months' back ...

"We are looking for some stability, someone who'll stay for at least a year."

"Yes, it's ok with me."

Another flashback to my first month of service there ...

"You're hired for 4 hours a day and we'll not let you work for more than 4 hours, cos' it's not fair to you, you've other commitments."

So what's happening now? They decide it is only fair that I work 8 hours because their needs have changed.

Well, in my quiet moments, conflicting thoughts race through my mind ... On the one hand, I understand their decision to stream line their work, but on the other hand, they've got my commitment to stay a year, but ... Am I too naive to keep promises? Have I misplaced my integrity? Going forward, how shall I regard my next contract job? What shall my future work attitude be like? Anyway, it's pointless to analyze the situation now ... Let it be, it's time to move on.

It is not without misgivings that I'm letting it go though ... Shucks, I've lost my small but steady source of monthly income. Had I known that my stint there is so short, I would have viewed and done things very differently. And, sigh, the usual mistakes that I often made in life are repeated here, sheesh ... But I'm determined to do better, 'cos God is not finished with me yet!

Something I've never regretted though is that I've worked diligently in ALL tasks assigned to me! Yeah! This trait, however, seems to have gone unnoticed ... but God, you saw, right?

I now realized that the contract worker is worth very little to the employer. One minute, you're hired, the very next minute, you're fired. This is a very surreal experience to me.

There's this strange feeling of relief, "Yes! I am free to do something new again!"

Then, there's this anxiety too, it's difficult to find a job, be it full or part-time in this employment climate, what am I to do next?

I don't know ...
Hire me, anyone?

My Cup's Half Full

I'm supposed to be doing something more important other than blogging! But what the heck, blogging is therapeutic. Let me release some steam here and then go do what I'm supposed to do :)

Unhappiness can be contagious and negative vibes can spread like plagues!

Life dishes out endless lessons in both good and bad circumstances. And if you manage to learn something from them, be they bad circumstances or bad relationships, they are all but character-building tools used by God to shape and mould you. Observing others' behaviours and drawing lessons from them can shorten your own learning curve and save you from many a hard knock in life. You can learn what TO DO from positive people, and what NOT TO DO from negative people.

I've been lamenting about my circumstances lately and grumbled far too much, so much so that I'm beginning to loathe myself. I decide that enough is enough! Kinda give myself a hard knock on my head for whining so much. Why the heck should I complain? Why, I'm so blessed in my life, I should stop whining and feeling sorry for myself, or wishing for better things to come!

I must stop seeing my cup as half empty instead of half full!

Ok, I shall snap out of my disgruntlement.

SNAP!

Instead of looking at the things you don't have, look at the things you have.

Instead of feeling inadequate at things you don't do well, be diligent in the things that you do.

Miraculous Things Happen After 50?

Was channel surfing as usual after dinner and watched Oprah Winfrey announcing, "Miraculous things can happen after 50!"

The programme went on to show clips on both the famous and gorgeous looking unknowns advocating how wonderful it is to hit 50. They chorused the age-old advice not to dwell on past regrets, if any, but to look forward to a fulfilling life ahead, throwing off all the inhibitions that once controlled you.

Well shreding off old inhibitions is one message that appeals to me. You've lived that long and done that much, why should you still be worried about what others think or like?

Then again, there's this nudging feeling that I ought to be more 'successful' in life, that I could get more out of life. I've never achieved anything great in life, career wise, cos I've my priorities and my job is always at the bottom of the list.

I thank God that He had given me time to attend to all the things I'd deemed important in my life; the top most being, being there for my children when they needed me most. They have grown up and have developed into young men whom I'm very proud of. And my husband has been the ever loving and supportive spouse I'd married 26 years' ago. Throughout my entire life, I've never suffered a day of hunger or want.

WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?

This one thing ... personal success.

What have I done or built, solely on my own effort that I can show of? (Note: I'm not talking about 'showing off', I'm not talking about pride here, but something that gives me the satisfaction that say, hey I've done this alone!) Like say, a business, a career, a respectable bank account, or a passion of worth? Something that I've achieved entirely on my own?

Nothing.

Life is like a knitted cloak, and we're all knitted into each other's life, holding all the knots together side by side. Our lives are intertwined and all our deeds, no matter how great or little, will impact others and leave traces in their lives. In this respect, I know that as long as I've done what I'm supposed to do, God is pleased with me.

In my case, I wouldn't trade any of those parenting years to climb the corporate ladder. If I'd gone career building, who would have cared for my children as much as I did? There are women who can multi-task and juggle all their roles perfectly, but not me. I can only focus on one important task at a time. I have never regretted my choice, yet ...

Yet ... I often struggle with such restlessness within. And there's a name to this feeling ...

DISCONTENTMENT

I'm still searching for that elusive 'success' to call my own.

(Perhaps, Robert T. Kiyosaki's books are too potent an influence on me)

For 6 years I've been searching and searching, learning and doing new things. Six interesting years, with no regrets, just that I've not found the key to unlock 'success'. What goes on in my mind now is just too complex to be written.

So what am I doing now? Kinda 'gainfully employed' on a part-time basis upon my own choice, but far far away from the state of success I'd wish I would be in. I don't seem to be doing anything meaningful. Memories of the past few years beckon me, I've not completely given up on wealth building since my last sales job where my company got embroiled in a court case.

It's such an irony. The handful of friends who have been searching with me would understand what I'm talking about. Imagine, working so hard for nothing and enjoying every moment of it because I was pursuing a dream (former sales job), and now ...

All I ask is to be happy with what I'm doing!

In contrast to my situation, my dear spouse is diligently carving out his new career now. His former full-time job was outsourced 2 years' back. Though not earning the same level of income he was used to, he's contented with his new free-lance work. His cheese has been moved, it wasn't easy for him, but he has learnt to find new cheese. He's enjoying his work, believing in it, and building up new skills and knowledge to be equipped for it. Good for him.

Guess I've mixed up Significance for Success.

A still small voice reminds me that there's so much more potential I could develop as a child of God, that if only I could hold still in His hands, He would make something out of me.

Be still O my soul, why are you disquieted within me?

Disappointment

Well, I'm not sad, but a tad disappointed.

You see I tried to be a friend to this person, who's always unhappy and troubled. She opens up very easily, pouring out her woes and pain that you could do nothing but empathize with her. Yet very so often when life goes on, and her burden's too much to bear, she'll take the liberty to unleash her unhappiness at people around her. Fortunately or unfortunately, she is always excused by all the kind people around her because they understand her condition, and try consistently to overlook her tantrums.

She has many great attributes in her character but seems to be always seeing her cup half empty in circumstances and view herself as a victim without control. It should suffice if she wants to sulk, but to leverage on her sickness and expect others to tip toe around her is just too much for me to bear. I don't hate her, but I just can't tolerate this childishness.

You'll never know when she'll raise her voice or when she'll get angry over what. Meaning in conversations get misconstrued and actions get misinterpreted very easily with her. Very often I see her getting angry and I don't see why she needs to get upset.

So what am I supposed to do, having to see her almost everyday? I'll just take it a day at a time, and avoid too much contact with her cos it's too stressful. Confession - I lack patience ...

As a mother, I wouldn't pander to my children's misbehaviours because I'll spoil them. Similarly, I don't think it's good and right for me to pander to this person's ways too. It's time for her to learn that others, like her, have their own problems and sensitivities. She isn't the only one who can get hurt. For anyone that matters, a line should be drawn if she over-steps her boundary.

So what now?

So things are a little strained as they are. Don't get me wrong. I don't intend to battle with her and make an enemy out of her. Weirdly, I sincerely want to be her friend. (Perhaps I see a little of my troubled self and past in her) If opportunity arises, I still look forward to assist her in her tasks. Otherwise, I would like to keep to myself and not touch this mimosa.

Then again, shouldn't I let God loves her through me? Ah ... torn by conflicting thoughts. I really wish to help. Want to be a friend. I do like her and appreciate things about her. Yet it's tiring having to be so watchful over what I say and do all the time.

Shrug ... that's the best I can do for now. Unless the Lord points His finger at me and zaps me from heaven this instant, soaking me from head to toe with His boundless love, I know not what else to do for self-preservation.

I REALLY don't mind to be thus zapped by God though! :) How wonderful it would be, to be zapped by Him and then be able to love instantly! Ha!

ZAPPED!! Ouch! Then looove oozes out ... Halo hovering above head ... :) (Hm, may be He's zapping real slowly, zzzzzap, then I go ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, then years later, I'll be able to love more easily ... sheesh)

Humbly acknowledging, I'm AM a cracked pot, but still in my Father's service.

Father God, I have failed you and I am so sorry, please help me to do better.