Some people think that I've been doing a good job. But I've been under-performing this year due to personal matters and ill health (nothing serious but constant infections). What I've heard throughout the training sessions just made me feel like I have not been doing my job right! I feel tired just thinking about the changes I've to make when the school term re-opens, not to say doing them. Although some colleagues may share my sentiments, they are certainly looking confident and able, which further intimidates me!
Whenever I'm caught in self-doubt, I'm tempted to just quit and walk away, but I don't think this is right. I've come such a long way in this path. Why look for something new and start all over again? A couple of my friends have been in this kind of dilemma for years, looking for the right job, finding it hard, quitting and looking for the 'right' job over and over again. It never ends.
I am very tired, not being able to fully recover from my infection. I have so much to learn and remember, assessment papers to deliver, reports and portfolios to put up and changes to implement. All these stuff literally take the joy out of my job and sometimes make me feel like a fake, that whatever I'm doing for the children are for purpose of putting up a show so that I'll get to keep my job.
But I know that God gave me this job, He answered my prayer and gave me THIS job. I am talking to myself now: I must try, must not give up. I can't meet all their requirements but I will try, step by step, day by day and if they keep me, year by year.
I need to cool down and realistically assess how much changes I can cope with and prayerfully do it with God's grace. Only may my health prevails.
God's power is at work in all our circumstances and when we're weak, His strength will manifest in us.