Pondering...

Someone said that all intricate details of our lives have been carefully planned by God. If that is so, then where is our personal accountability in our lives? If I sin, is that planned by God? Someone said that the experiences of our lives are like colours on a canvas carefully painted by our Creator. If that is so, then can we shirk off our mistakes as being ok with God? I don't think so. I suppose what these people are saying is, God knows everything and can make things right no matter how badly we've messed them up...

I'm seriously contemplating terminating a mother-daughter kinda relationship with a young person whom I'd cared for in past one year. Perhaps due to our cultural differences, many of her behaviours weren't acceptable to me and when she crossed the line yet again this February, my threshold burst. Since then, I was avoiding her like mad. She seemed to sense my distance and tried to connect with me once again. But something had already snapped in me and I knew we would never be the same again.

I've actually prepared a parting statement to her, recorded in my handphone, ready to be messaged to her at an appropriate time. I've prayed to the Lord to show me just when is the right time to drop the bombshell to her. My mind goes back and forth, pondering, is it really the right thing to do?

I was just checking my blog and following some sites when I chanced upon someone's post on how God will painstakingly add 'colours' to the canvas of our lives, planning the details and designing a beautiful picture etc. What about the serious mistakes that we make? I have no answer... I don't want to hurt her, I still care, but because something has snapped in me, I just want to end it all, to give us both a clean slate to start over, that she goes her way and I go mine. But I don't want to hurt her, and as such, nothing has ever come out of my mouth, and she doesn't know the change in my heart though she senses the change in my attitude.

I've turned her over to the Lord and said that I can't take care of her anymore because I just can't take it anymore. But I don't want to do something I'll regret later.

Now I ponder, in the Bible, God says that "I make all things new." Can it be possible that we can re-establish a brand new relationship that carries no baggages? I've forgiven her mistakes but I'm just so tired and afraid of yet another outburst from her that I want a clean break from her. But... shall I hope in God and give her another chance?

For the moment, the answer is, "No, I don't have the faith to do so..." And I still don't know what to make of the relationship now?