A Vague Jabbing Pain

Parenting is tough and this is an under-statement.

One of my earliest memories being a mom is that of my 6-month old baby warded at the hospital for a 40-degree high fever and a serious bout of diarrhoea. The nurses refused to cover him with a blanket because they had to bring down his fever. My poor baby was only wearing a thin filmsy gown and a diaper and he was turning blue from the cold! It hurt me so much to see him suffer like that! There was nothing I could do except to cover him with a piece of cloth. Even then, the nurse advised me not to do so but I insisted and she relented after seeing my tears. The cloth couldn't keep my baby warm at all, but it gave me a semblance that I was doing something for my son.

Even though this happened so long ago, it has never failed to jab at my heart whenever I think of it. I couldn't protect my baby from falling sick then, most of the time, I just hovered over him, totally helpless and sobbing. He was a wonderful baby, 'cos he didn't make a fuss and just laid there, looking at me the whole while. He just needed me by his side. He would panick and cry when the doctor took him away, but he would be comforted when he saw me again. I wished I could cuddle him and keep him warm, but that would actually harm him, so all I could do then was to touch him and speak tenderly to him. I felt so useless, I cried, I prayed, I sang to him in a quivering voice, "Oh Lord you're beautiful, your face is all I seek, and when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me..." My baby kept looking at me while I tried to smile bravely, nodding, telling him that all was well. He kept looking, seeming to say, "Mommy, I'm not afraid as long as you're here... " and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I'm feeling the same now except that my presence does not help anymore. He needs something more than that, something stronger, higher and more convincing. And he needs a huge dose of grace.

Before posting this, I was looking up online videos but no matter what I watch, there was a vague jabbing pain that lingered in my heart, I knew what it was and ignored it, but peace eluded me again and I stopped surfing wondering what I should do next. Here, sitting in front of the computer, out of the blue, I suddenly remember this hospital scene. There are similarities here. A child unwell, the same sense of helplessness, the same prayer, the same plea... God, save my boy.

Be still my heart and hope in God, this one thing I know for sure, He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just as He was there together with us in the hospital room, He is here with us. Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and his ears toward their cry."

Jesus prayed, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt." I shudder at what we're facing and wish we never have to go through it. But just like at the hospital, I could only pray and wait. God is faithful, God's grace is sufficient for us and at the appointed time God's purpose will come to pass... Amen.


MTJ said...

Hi Jane,

Thank you for sharing this tender, loving memory; it is one any parent should identify with.

This morning as I read my bible, the words from Psalm 136 seemed to leap from the page and grab my heart, reminding me of His steadfast and eternal love:

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

God's love knows no bounds and endures forever Jane. As you have said, "...He is here with us."

Praying for you and family.

Blessings and peace.


Lauralee said...

Just stumbled across your blog. I like your blog.

Jane said...

Thanks MTJ and Laura.