Mouths Talking

Either way you loose, so to speak. Just a quick sharing here. You will see what I mean BUT I'm not defeated.

Still musing over yesterday's uncalled for comment from my colleague that I'm "unfit" for the job, this thought came into my mind this morning, "Either way, you loose". That is no matter how you're performing in your job, you will not be able to shut the mouths of people who just like to pass comment on you.

I've been working hard at my job and honestly, I've always been over-delivering in all my previous places of employment, in terms of the quality and quantity of work. All my supervisors will attest to this fact. I've my fair share of compliments about my job attitude and performance. So when some colleagues who are working in the same field but in different centers enquire about the things I've been doing in my center, I share with them, thinking that we're mutually exchanging useful info that will enhance each other's work, and for mutual support and edification, especially when such sharing is among Christians. But what I get back from some of them is this, "You're working too hard, doing too much, you've spoilt the market for us!" They feel intimidated that I've over-shadowed them. BUT that isn't my intention, I just simply apply myself fully to my job, I want to do well, to answer to myself, using my God-given abilities to do a job well that would well testify to the faith I hold. I've never aim to show anyone down, I only worry that I'm not doing well enough.

So there, when I do well, they talk, when I fall and grumble about the difficulties in my job, they talk, either way, I can't win... so to speak.

After a cup of coffee, suddenly I wise up this morning, so be it. It's my choice! I will continue to give my best to my job, and complain less (can't say for sure that I can internalise all nonsense without a sound).

So that's it. Life continues. :) Thanks for listening.

Give Me A Break

I want to shout, "Give me a break!" It was a tough week that had passed. My employer almost lengthen my work hours but I stood up to her. She wasn't mean to me, it was just that she had forgotten how much extra work and time I'd put into the job for her. And then the area she had alotted to me... how do you give 'focused language assistance' to a group of attention-deficit children in a public area?

Let me see how it goes, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake ... " Ah, how I badly need this, lying down in green pastures, without a care in the world, walking besides still waters, ah the serenity, having my soul, my whole being from top to toe restored, being able to sleep like a log, nope, a pig rather (cos a pig breathes, a log doesn't), EVERY night. Yes, even walking in paths of righteousness, yes for His name's sake means something to me. I've tried to walk right, I tried.

I'd made bad mistakes at earlier work places and promised myself to learn from them. I would not repeat them and I really worked hard at NOT repeating them. But there are some innate tendencies within me that I would eventually respond in a certain way to certain triggers. Like when the boss tried to extend my already 'extended' work hours. I almost blasted out, but under control and I walked away quickly lest it would turn really ugly. She relented and realized my difficulties. Two awkward days' passed by and we seemed to be getting along well. She even acceded to my request to use another place to do my work when the noise level gets too high.

Seemed like everything was back to normal, but sometimes troubles just come looking for you. I trusted someone at my work place and thought I've found a new friend. I related my earlier unhappiness to her and regretted it. I should have heeded what God's Word says about grumbling. This might have given her the impression that I couldn't take the work pressure. So what happened today... I was just sharing with her that it was tough managing the behaviours of some kids. To my utter surprise, she said the most nasty thing to me! She said, "If you can't take this (children's misbehaviours), you're not fit to do this (my job)." 'NOT FIT'? These were strong words! She realized her slip of the tongue and tried to turn the situation around by saying something, but my mind just... I was just fuming beneath my breath. I told her that I was merely sharing the problems I face at work, and that if I can't take this, I would have quit. I could see her bewilderment, knowing she'd offended me.

Later part of the day I recited to myself as I returned to teach my third class. As I walked in, I recalled, "Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger..." "He who overlooks an offence seeks love." Argh. I completed my lesson, spoke briefly with her as is my usual custom and left.

My spouse complimented me for learning how to re-establish a work relationship. But the truth is I'm still dealing with the hurt! Well, I think she didn't mean what she said, she could have meant it as a counsel, but it didn't come out right! Goodness, am I being overly sensitive or do I have a reason to be thus? My decision? Yes, I decide to overlook the offence, it was a slip of the tongue, I blunder many times thus too... Sigh, now where is that green patch of grass? I need to lie down...

Inadequacy

Today is my second last training session in a course which will qualify me for my present job as a Resource Teacher in a pre-school. As I sat there listening to the Trainer telling us how to do our job better, I felt insecure, anxious and inadequate.

Some people think that I've been doing a good job. But I've been under-performing this year due to personal matters and ill health (nothing serious but constant infections). What I've heard throughout the training sessions just made me feel like I have not been doing my job right! I feel tired just thinking about the changes I've to make when the school term re-opens, not to say doing them. Although some colleagues may share my sentiments, they are certainly looking confident and able, which further intimidates me!

Whenever I'm caught in self-doubt, I'm tempted to just quit and walk away, but I don't think this is right. I've come such a long way in this path. Why look for something new and start all over again? A couple of my friends have been in this kind of dilemma for years, looking for the right job, finding it hard, quitting and looking for the 'right' job over and over again. It never ends.

I am very tired, not being able to fully recover from my infection. I have so much to learn and remember, assessment papers to deliver, reports and portfolios to put up and changes to implement. All these stuff literally take the joy out of my job and sometimes make me feel like a fake, that whatever I'm doing for the children are for purpose of putting up a show so that I'll get to keep my job.

But I know that God gave me this job, He answered my prayer and gave me THIS job. I am talking to myself now: I must try, must not give up. I can't meet all their requirements but I will try, step by step, day by day and if they keep me, year by year.

I need to cool down and realistically assess how much changes I can cope with and prayerfully do it with God's grace. Only may my health prevails.

God's power is at work in all our circumstances and when we're weak, His strength will manifest in us.

Remembering Her

The elder daughter woke up in the night shouting, “Mother! Mother!”

The younger daughter walked straight into her mother’s room as if she was still alive and called out, “Mother!” She lingered inside and called again, “Mother!” as her relatives waited outside worrying if she had gone nuts.

Yes, my two sister-in-laws are still grieving over the lost of their beloved mother, my mother-in-law who had passed away a fortnight ago.

Though not as affected, I too try to recapture some memories of her. How she'd touched my foot after I’d given birth to her first grandson. How she’d listened to my troubles and counseled me after my mom’s stroke and how she’d watched over me when I’d food poisoning (and that was immediately after she'd buried her husband).

I remember her as a loving mother. She was like forever fussing over her children and their families. Sometimes in expressing, repeating and reiterating her concerns for them, her words and actions came across as interference and weren’t appreciated, but yet, greatly missed when she’s gone.

I remember her forbearance, how she took the offences of her children in her strides and never ceased to love them and be of service to them.

One question came to mind as I ponder over her life and deeds. Were all her aspirations for her children met and fulfilled? Like a seed fallen into the ground and died, and then it’ll germinate and grow to bear fruits, I feel that though she couldn’t see her hopes materializing in her lifetime, some of what she’d hoped for may take place after her death. But then... some of what she’d hoped for may never happen... Still all things should work together for good as God is in control.

Another thought came to my mind too. She had led an exemplary life in terms of her deeds, love, kindness and forbearance towards her family and some others etc. Yet she'd seldom received the kind of attention she deserved in her life's time. And in her last days, she didn't get the kind of attention that she herself had showered upon her ailing spouse before his death. I felt that she'd been short-changed in life, even if this had been what she would have accepted 'cos she had always downplay her own welfare and asked us not to fuss over her if she should go...

I try to see her death in perspective but sometimes I can’t help but feel sad about life itself. Life seems so futile. You labored all your life over your loved ones. How much do they perceive of your work? They’ll miss you when you’re gone, for a while and you’ll be forgotten. The only comforting thought in the midst of all these is the fact that Jesus has saved us and death is a release from life’s labors.

So these are my just random thoughts... at least we have God.

Forsake Us Not

I have no idea what the lyrics in one of our church's communion songs mean until I see what's happening to my mother-in-law, whom in her old age and sickness, has no recollection of who we, her kinsmen are. One part of the lyrics goes something like this, "And when these failing lips grow dumb, and mind and memory flee ... my Lord, remember me." Despite her illness, I still see God's grace in her life.

Some days' back I whispered in her ears, 'Mother-in-law, how are you? I'm ST." She had no response. I continued, "Jesus is with you, every moment..." She nodded in acknowledgement. I stroke her shoulder a little and momentarily she seemed to recognise who I was, but that split-second of recognition subsided just as quickly as it arose and she slipped back into her dazed state.

A few days' before this she was asking her daughter who isn't a Christian what heaven is like and she couldn't answer. So I whispered to her, "You will see Jesus in heaven, father-in-law will be there for you, that is a place with no sickness, pain nor tears..." She didn't respond, her memory has certainly fled. But this I'm sure, God will remember her.

We are doing all we can to make her last days as comfortable as possible.

RSV Psalms 71:

Verse 6: "Upon thee I have leaned from my birth; thou art he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually of thee."

Verse 9: "Do no cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent." Verse 17: "O God, from my youth thou hast taught me, and I still proclaim thy wondrous deeds. Verse 18: "So even to old age and grey hairs, O God, do not forsake me, till I proclaim thy might to all the generations to come."

Forgetting...

I had an unhappy incident in Church today, and angry as I was, I knew immediately the importance of putting it behind me as quickly as possible. But it wasn't possible, I couldn't help but kept mulling over it again and again, as if trying to justify to myself that I wasn't at fault in the first place. In all honesty, I still feel that I wasn't at fault...

Anyway, this incident reminded me of the importance of forgetting things.

We have always lauded the merits of remembering things but God has actually given us the blessing of forgetting things. There was a man who had a gigantic memory and he could recall even the most insignificance of things. He worked in a circus showing off his skills in identifying what everyone in the audience did just before entering into the tent. His exceptional gift amazed everybody. However no one knew his agony; how sleep eluded him because he just couldn't switch off his mind.

I can feel his pain to some extent because I have a good memory of past events; things said and done and even the facial expressions. Now, because of what had happened these past few years, I wish I can thoroughly forget about the past.

A few nights' back, a character from a tv drama put it aptly, "I am a happier person now that I'm suffering from Alzheimer's because no matter how bad the news about me or my family and how much my company's stocks have fallen, I forget my unhappiness quickly. I am not at all troubled now."

There is some truth there, some wisdom too. Forgive and forget. It is easier to forgive, but to forget? How often a scene or a word will replay itself in your most unguarded moments or even in your dreams? How often a similar place or familiar scent brings back memories and regrets?

I am going to pray for the ability to forget so that I can live a happier life. Live and let live, let go and I think many of you need this too.

May the Lord be gracious to all of you out there, those who are hurting, that you may forget more bad things and remember more of the goodness of our Lord.

Can-Do Attitude

While touring a street in Mong Kok, Hong Kong, we came across this young man with no hands, eking out a living making stalks of 'flowers' from coloured dough. (Apology for the blurred-photo taken from my mobile.)

We went to Mong Kok expecting to see all sorts of merchandise, but was pleasantly surprised to find street troupes performing songs, dance and kung fu. What caught my attention were three individuals; this young man selling dough flowers, a man with terrible scarred facial features and a very old woman begging for alms.

We stopped by all three of them...

We the fortunate ones toured the different places in a different world (Hong Kong and Macau), enjoyed its sceneries and savoured its delicacies. Busy town folks as we are, I often paused to plan the various chores I've had to do once I return home. Ever the anxious woman that I am, I sometimes worry over self-imposed dead lines and 'urgent' tasks left at home. The sight of these three individuals halt my worries.

Who would have more woes than them? Without hands, without a face, without financial support, disregarding one's dignity and literally begging for help in the cold wintry weather? Many people were too busy to stop and look, perhaps it's a common sight for the locals. Yet their presence is a stark contrast to whatever we're planning and doing. Despite their circumstances, they have a choice, to survive or give up and die, of course they choose the former.

The young man wasn't begging, and a few were moved to give to him for his effort. But I saw no one giving to the disfigured man, he was really disgusted to look at and seemed to come straight out of a sci-fi movie, and no one gave to the old lady... We gave and my son consoled the disfigured man who identified himself as a Christian. I wonder whether he was a Christian before or after his accident? Anyway, as long as he is a Christian, I believe that God will watch over him one way or another and I wish sincerely that God will help him further...

Seeing other's misfortunes, I checked myself again, don't worry about life and its chores. How hard can our life be compared to them? Have a can-do attitude in life, no matter how hard or pressing circumstances are, there are still things we can do to help ourselves and things will work out one way or another. For us the children of God we have the added blessing of God's faithfulness.

How Long Have You REALLY Lived?

Surveys have been done on this, adding up the amount of time an average guy spends in his lifetime studying, working, watching TV, waiting in queue, waiting at the traffic light, eating, sleeping etc. and finding out actually how much time he's really awake and living meaningfully.

Recently I find myself mulling over the same thing over and over again, so much so that I'm plagued by those thoughts even in my dreams. It's about things that had happened in the past.

Then it dawns on me how much time I've spent (wasted) living in the past instead of cherishing the present. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Yes, like the determined orang utan in the picture, I shall live in the present from now on!

Changes

Change is the only constant in life.

Two days' back in my new job, my supervisor heaped praises on me for my performance. It was unexpected. I knew I'd done well, but I didn't expect her generous compliments, something which I haven't received for a long long time. I was so excited for the entire day, couldn't do anything else that day! Began to imagine about a future promotion and increase income etc. Well, well, well, I've come down to earth now. Who knows what'll happen tomorrow?

Just met a friend a few days' back, he was divorced and remarried. Memory flashed back, hm... he and his ex-wife, they were such a loving couple! Two beautiful kids. What happened? Nobody knows...

Again, a few days' back, a young boy's mom passed away from cancer... So, three children bereaved of a mother with unfinished business on earth...

And, at the back of my mind, I wonder about someone whom I've cared for and mentored for the past one year, someone whom I'd promised to take care of but whom I'd to let go of eventually. It started off as a wonderful friendship, but it turned sour and turbulent with lots of hurts, disappointments and misunderstandings. This is one of the regrets in my life. Things change, for better or for worse, yet sometimes we won't know for we can't see the future...

And the newspaper reported last week, a teenager from Thailand came to our country, Singapore to study, she fell into our subway train track when a train approached, though she is alive today, her legs were amputated... One moment she was full of hope, in the next moment, her legs were gone...

Life is so unpredictable. What we have and own today may be gone in moments. As I sit here and ponder about all these, I really don't know how to react. I keep thinking about the young lady whom I've mentored and left, I don't know whether I'm handling it right...

I'm also thinking about the responsibilities of my new job. And I see my family running all over, each one attending to his/her own things, life has been a rush for us lately, so many commitments, considerations, plans, obligations...

God, let us not lost ourselves in all these activities. Let us cherish all that you've given us, everyone, everything...

I sat next to my spouse one night and said, "Let's thank God for our family, our lives, our marriage, never take anything for granted, God has been gracious to us." Indeed God has given us good gifts and we must do our best to keep them.

My present job as a Resource Teacher is both challenging and interesting, and it looks like I'll keep this for some time to come. But who knows what will happen tomorrow? I'm thanking God for His goodness, mercy and providence to my family, we shall continue to plan for our future indeed, but we must know that our future is in Him. Changes will come, we may like them, or we may not, but we shall trust God and dwell in His House forever.

A Vague Jabbing Pain

Parenting is tough and this is an under-statement.

One of my earliest memories being a mom is that of my 6-month old baby warded at the hospital for a 40-degree high fever and a serious bout of diarrhoea. The nurses refused to cover him with a blanket because they had to bring down his fever. My poor baby was only wearing a thin filmsy gown and a diaper and he was turning blue from the cold! It hurt me so much to see him suffer like that! There was nothing I could do except to cover him with a piece of cloth. Even then, the nurse advised me not to do so but I insisted and she relented after seeing my tears. The cloth couldn't keep my baby warm at all, but it gave me a semblance that I was doing something for my son.

Even though this happened so long ago, it has never failed to jab at my heart whenever I think of it. I couldn't protect my baby from falling sick then, most of the time, I just hovered over him, totally helpless and sobbing. He was a wonderful baby, 'cos he didn't make a fuss and just laid there, looking at me the whole while. He just needed me by his side. He would panick and cry when the doctor took him away, but he would be comforted when he saw me again. I wished I could cuddle him and keep him warm, but that would actually harm him, so all I could do then was to touch him and speak tenderly to him. I felt so useless, I cried, I prayed, I sang to him in a quivering voice, "Oh Lord you're beautiful, your face is all I seek, and when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me..." My baby kept looking at me while I tried to smile bravely, nodding, telling him that all was well. He kept looking, seeming to say, "Mommy, I'm not afraid as long as you're here... " and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I'm feeling the same now except that my presence does not help anymore. He needs something more than that, something stronger, higher and more convincing. And he needs a huge dose of grace.

Before posting this, I was looking up online videos but no matter what I watch, there was a vague jabbing pain that lingered in my heart, I knew what it was and ignored it, but peace eluded me again and I stopped surfing wondering what I should do next. Here, sitting in front of the computer, out of the blue, I suddenly remember this hospital scene. There are similarities here. A child unwell, the same sense of helplessness, the same prayer, the same plea... God, save my boy.

Be still my heart and hope in God, this one thing I know for sure, He will never leave us nor forsake us. Just as He was there together with us in the hospital room, He is here with us. Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and his ears toward their cry."

Jesus prayed, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt." I shudder at what we're facing and wish we never have to go through it. But just like at the hospital, I could only pray and wait. God is faithful, God's grace is sufficient for us and at the appointed time God's purpose will come to pass... Amen.

A Prodigal Hike

I've been a Christian for over 30 years. I wasn't born into a Christian home, but brought up in a dysfunctional foster family, with a couple who weren't married to one another. My foster mother was only 17 when she was forced to take me into her charge. Though she tried her best to take care of me, being a child herself, uneducated, orphaned and abused, she wasn't at all a role model for my growing up years, still, over here I would like to give her credit for having cared for me as well as she could.

I knew no peace while growing up. My foster mum had a foul temper (she has changed after receiving Christ 11 years ago), and my foster dad had another family with 7 children. There were 7 to 8 idols in our house and I could feel the spiritual warfare happening everyday, nightmares, bad dreams and totally unharmonious relationships. My foster parents were hostile to each other and after every episode of quarrel my mum would direct her anger and hurt towards me.

In school I lacked confidence as I was weak in studies, especially in English. Teachers never paid any attention to me. I felt transparent and made only a few friends. My childhood years were spent in loneliness, day-dreams, sadness and anxieties.

The pressures at home mounted when my foster dad cohabited with a 3rd woman and fathered an illegitimate child with her. He was then supporting 3 families, 3 disharmonious families. How did he, being a man of little education found such wealth to support 3 families? He did so by running a syndicate which collected illegal gambling bets. Despite his flaws, I'm grateful to him for raising me, and being very kind to me. He supported my education all the way to the University (while none of his own made it), got me a car (where 7 of his own kids shared one) and walked me down the aisle when I got married in Church (though he wasn't a believer). Tension ran high at his funeral when all 3 'wives' met. Those were bad memories which I've no intention to remember really.

In my twenties, God blessed me with a very good spouse, a gentle loving and patient man. Together we build a Christian home and have 2 sons. Through the early years of building a family, I've had to deal with various baggages and issues in my heart and God dealt with them one by one. I tried not to repeat the mistakes of my mum, but I did nevertheless because of my temper (which I have no idea whether it was a natural trait or a learned one). But I beseech God to change me and He did, I have my temper under control after 7 years of conscious struggle. I love my sons and brought them up to the best of my knowledge and in prayers. The Bible teaches to bring up a child in God's ways and when he is grown he will not depart from it. I believed and claimed this.

Although I've tried my best, being human, I know I have not been a perfect mum. But I love my children and there's no shadow of doubts about it. My spouse and I lived our lives with our children as our main concern. Much of my adult life was spent nurturing them and their needs and I've no energy left to build a career. I took on ad-hoc temporal part-time jobs now and then to fit them into my family schedules.

Thanks be to God that our sons grow up to be balanced individuals, having a healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence, excelling in their studies (having better academic results then their parents) and to top it all, they're faithful followers of Christ. I am so proud of them, not being prideful but being glad and relieved!

Into my 50s, I felt God's calling to witness to my colleagues who are foreigners and heeded God's call. I left my comfort zone, humbled myself and poured myself as sacrificial libation upon the altar in order to reach out to these unsaved souls, souls whom God loves and whom Christ died for. Out of 3 people, 2 were saved, thanks be to God. While serving those 2, I was often hurt in the process. Serving God is entering into the battlefield and we can be hurt in the process. I'm not perfect and I find myself grumbling at times, I wish I hadn't but I did. However, despite my failings in this, I have no regrets for the trouble taken to present them to Christ.

While I was happy and contented with my life so far, something bad happened and caused me much pain...

What pain me most now is that after my diligent and whole-hearted service to God, satan has infiltrated into our family and attacked one of our family members, causing serious doubts and unbelief in him. As a family, we could only advise that member to hold on to what's remnant of faith he has left with and not give up fighting for his faith. I've beseiged God to rescue this family member and entrust his soul to a faithful Creator. However he has his freewill and if he finally choose to undertake this prodigal journey and squander away his spiritual inheritance, I pray that like the prodigal son, he will still wake up to his senses and have the spiritual discernment to humbly return to his Heavenly Father one day. Somehow, deep inside me, I feel or I hope that like Job, God allows this prodigal trip to happen only because after he is tested, he will return stronger to guide others in the same dilemma; living your own life or submitting to a loving omni-potent, omni-science, omni-present God who knows us personally. I hope and I pine for this outcome.

This recent incident has awaken me to these truths:

1. That we must always guard our hearts for out of it flows the issues of life; LIFE - the physical and eternal!
2. That even as we minister to others and have God's stamp of approval and blessings in our ministries, we must always keep watch over our own family because the devil will try to distract us.
3. That we should never take our faith for granted, we have to be serious with God. Don't try to be a Christian, live as one!
4. That none of us is ever strong enough to stand on our own, we need God's people and there is nothing wrong with that. A baby needs his parents, a man his spouse and we all grow up in families, so it is in our spiritual lives, we need God's family.
5. That we need to choose our friends wisely. You can have unbelieving friends, but be careful of developing strong binding relationships with those who'll draw you away.
6. New experiences and knowledge are fine but as the Bible admonishes, we should always be alert to the wiles of the devil for he can confuse God's children with puff-up knowledge that brings confusion, dissension instead of peace.

At the end of the day, we have to decide whom to follow? Choose this day your 'god', is it God, Jehovah Jireh our Provider, or the world? It does not matter how we begin with God, it matters how we end. Life is a sum of all choices.

Despite the pain and sadness I'm experiencing now, I will not give up ministering to others whenever I'm in the position to do so. I will not be intimidated because God will win finally. God is sovereign. I shall continue to trust God for His goodness and mercy, and my family, yes my family, each and everyone in my family shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever!

God who had rescued me when I was sold away in infancy, God who had safe-guarded me during those unhappy days in my dysfunctional foster home, God who gave me a wonderful spouse, who blessed us with two lovely sons, this God will not fail me now or in the future, He will keep us in Him for eternity. In tears I plead...

A Life Turned Upside Down

The following is an exerpt from:
Upside Down
January 27, 2011 — by Joe Stowell
Read: Matthew 5:38-48 (NIV)

If you were to ask me who I am, I’d tell you that I’m a follower of Jesus. But I have to admit, at times following Him is a real challenge. He tells me to do things like rejoice when I’m persecuted (Matt. 5:11-12); to turn the other cheek (vv.38-39); to give to someone who wants to take from me (vv.40-42); to love my enemies, bless those who curse me, and do good to those who hate me (vv.43-44).

This kind of lifestyle seems very upside down to me.

But I’ve come to realize that He’s not upside down—I am. We have all been born fallen and broken. Being twisted by sin, our first instincts are often wrong, which inevitably leaves a big mess.

We’re like toast slathered with jelly that has fallen upside down on the kitchen floor. Left to ourselves, we can make a pretty big mess of things. Then Jesus comes along, like a divine spatula, scrapes us off the floor of our sinful ways, and turns us right side up. And as we follow His right-side-up ways, we discover that turning the other cheek keeps us from getting caught in a brawl, that it is more blessed to give than to receive, and that dying to self is life at its best.

After all, His ways are not our ways (Isa. 55:8), and I’ve come to realize that His ways are always best!

Isa 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
Isa 55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

My thoughts: As Christians we will come across times when our faith is seriously challenged. My ways or the Lord's? The Christian life is indeed a life turned upside down because many of the things required of us seem to contradict human nature. Yet God meant them to protect us. He can see our future, He knows beyond the physical. May the grace of God keep all of us and not let any single one be snatched away. He has paid the price for our sins, may we stick with Him even when we can't understand. What is seen will pass away, what is unseen endures. Oh God, I plead for your mercy.

Your Life Is What You Choose

"Life is the sum of all choices."

This strong message was preached on the first Sunday this year. The pastor said, "It matters how you end (your life)!"

I was stunt! I expected him to preach on the importance of having a good start for the new year, on the importance of planning etc. But he talked about the end instead of the beginning! And I'm so glad he did!

Believers come from all walks of life, some are more blessed than others and some have harder lives, but it doesn't really matter how you begin your journey in life and in your faith, it MATTERS MORE how you end it! What's the point of begining faithfully to find yourself totally sold off to the world and compromising whatever you've learnt from Jesus in your last days?

As we journey through life, when we come to the cross-roads, what do we choose? The way that point to the Promised Land, or the way that points to the Good-Enough Land?

Every step of the way counts, one wrong turn can bring countless miseries. God's commands are not meant to stifle us, they are given to protect us from hurts and destructions.

Give careful thoughts to your choices, especially on those significant milestones in life. How will the sum of your life adds up finally? I sincerely hope that it'll be a pretty picture and one that gives glory to your Creator and Saviour. God bless you. :)

Drifting

Still drifting, not quite knowing what to do next...

Repeating daily routines, preparing for the new year ahead, and thinking of those I'd once walked so closely with. Wondering about their well being, praying for them. I miss them but they must learn to be independent without me holding their hands.

I'm already exploring different future options for myself, even slowly venturing into a totally new area for the fun of it... Yet there is a void and emptiness inside, almost a pain that doesn't quite go away...

Period of Rest

"This seems to be a situation where your season in this place has come to an end... there is a change of seasons when plants and trees prepare for winter by shedding their leaves in the fall. It is as if they go into a prolonged period of rest, undisturbed by the harshness of winter". These precious words of advice came from MTJ, my fellow blogger cum brother-in-Christ.

Yes, my season in my present self-chosen place of market-place ministry has come to an end. This is not the end of me serving God, but a siesta, a much needed break, like a tree preparing for change by first going into a period of rest, the best part is "undisturbed by the harshness of winter".

I've a certain winter melancholy attached to entering this season of rest, having to let go of my charges halfway. It seems halfway to me because they are still so immature in Christ, and yet I've to let go because I've finally come to realize that my time in their lives is almost up.

Looking back, I know that I've done my best, but with hindsight, wouldn't do some of the things I'd done. Yet, there is no such a thing as time travel, no benefit of hindsight, which means even if God has allowed me to return to the past to start all over again, I being me, would have made exactly the same mistakes because I wouldn't recognize them as such. But the greatest comfort I have here is that my God is so powerful and creative that He can and will make ALL things work together for good! In this, I rest my soul.

Through it all, I've learnt that it is necessary for ALL believers to come out of their comfort zones to serve God. We have to go into the battlefield. Christ has loved us to death, and we have to love Him enough to leave our comfort zones. We've read the Bible, God's Word talks of taking up the cross, denying yourself, being a living sacrifice and so on. I've to admit that such 'talks' are a turn-off, especially to new believers. We gravitate towards the love, joy and peace parts. But at some points in our lives, believers will come to a place where you'll crave for a higher purpose, a sense of significance, about making your life counts, for God and for His kingdom.

For me, it wasn't about the crowns, jewels or mansions that attract me, but the gratitude to God when one day He suddenly spoke, "I've allowed you to do what you want with yourself all along, now how about doing something for Me for the rest of your life?" That's true, I've had my fair share of dreams-chasing, money-chasing etc. the offer from God was attractive, to do something of significance, something that'll last eternally... thus my entry into market-place ministry, with the focus NOT on earning an income, BUT on introducing lost souls to Christ.

Something became obvious right from the beginning of my ministry, that it is going to COST! It'll cost my time, effort, money, labour and the sacrifices extend to being misunderstood and persecutions sometimes from the very ones you've learnt to love and serve. It was a bitter-sweet experience, watching people you've laboured over turn to Christ, and being disappointed with them over their growth. Then I learnt that I was impatient, again MTJ said, "Jesus reminds us in the parable of the tares that there is no need to pull them up before the harvesting occurs. That is our tendency; removing what we believe is unnecessary" which was MY PROBLEM, being too impatient with their spiritual growth, adding unnecessary pressures on them, and causing conflicts.

My conclusion from this episode is this, that though spiritual warfares abound, the show must go on, the ministry must continue. For my ministry with these two young persons, I've prayed to God that, "Jeremiah's time is up Lord, please send Elisha". For me, maybe He won't fetch me home in a fiery chariot yet (I'm so tired and burnt-out that I really don't mind though), but I shall rest, wait and watch, the labourers are few, and God will soon enlist me into service again.

Let me end yet with another advice from MTJ, "John the Baptist said of Jesus, "He must increase, I must decrease." We must learn to trust God with others, He will do what we cannot and should not".

Being human, which God allows :) :) , I am grieving over leaving my charges because they have become so dear to me... and to leave them now, the pain is almost unbearable... The pain is borne out of the knowledge that they are not my own children whom I'll always have, and can always watch over. They are instead, people whose destiny I'll have no control, and if they should be tossed to and fro in their own worlds of choice and circumstances after they return home (they are foreigners), they would be beyond me to help and guide..................... I know this is where faith plays its part, that I can do nothing but entrusts them to their faithful Creator.

Wishful

An advertisement in the newspaper reads like this:

Personal Assistant required:

* for eldery couple

* preferable with nursing experience

We require a companion / personal assistant / friend to manage two house maids, one driver and two nurses in the house. A companion for a very eloquent, alert 85 year old mom. Pls respond to Andrea: andrea123abc@hotmail.com***

(***Note: "Andrea" and her hotmail address are fictitious)

Wow! I don't know about you, but when I read it, the immediate thought that came to my mind is, "Hm, what a fortunate old mom, I wish my sons would do the same for me too when I get old ... (Hint, hint, blink, blink :) :) ;) ;) to my sons who do read my blog!)

Imagine having the blessings to be able to age and retire with dignity, respect, care... above all, love. This ad doesn't just speak of riches, I mean, look, two house maids, one driver and two nurses, phew! It speaks of a wonderful daughter who's looking for a companion for her elderly mom! It also speaks tons about the old lady, very eloquent, alert, 85 year-old, witty, sharp, happy :) .

Of course you can still find fault and ask why doesn't the daughter look after her herself, but she may have too many things she has to attend to personally, her business, her spouse, children, commitments... But she does look after the needs of her mom.

Sigh, I hope this family has Christ too, and that they reach out to the less fortunate too, because they certainly have the capacity to do so. It is a beautiful picture when God's people look after their own and to the needs of others around them. Well, I'll never find out if they belong to God's kingdom, well, unless I apply for this post... um... hm ... :) Just musing aloud, ha!

???

I know I'm boring many readers... I don't know what to do... next... in my ministry. The people I've cared for in my ministry are facing bigger and bigger problems in their lives and I'm really lost myself, I know not what to do next...

My Turn To Be Angry

I've not felt this way for a long time. Can you love someone and hate her ways? Yes, we've all heard it before isn't it, like God loving us but not our sins. But when you've experienced it yourself, this is a very strange and comflicting emotion.

If you want a feel of the roller-coaster emotions I've been through lately, please read my earlier posts on Affirmations, Which Way and God's Touch.

I've been doing patch-works in my team these days, playing the peace-maker for everyone and when everyone is sort of settled, then, voila! It's my turn to be angry! The first time in 15 months since joining this company that I was really angry!

In the past, I could be heart-brokened, tired and disappointed, but my wrath was always short-lived because God's grace would break through somehow. But two nights' back, I've had enough! Throughout the evening with this person, I kept hearing repetitive self-pity whinings and complaints about the job, the customers etc. Worse than these, the same offensive impudence leveled at me whenever she's in a lousy mood! What did I do to deserve this disrespect when I've been kind and nurturning to her all along?

The problem between us has blown over since then, but I'm left with this bitter after-taste. I'm seriously considering letting her go. I still love her and can't imagine leaving her totally alone, but I can't stand bearing with her recurring insolence and mood-swings anymore...

Yes, I still love her, if you have any idea how far we've come since day 1, I can cry this very moment... but I'm sick and tired of her ways. I do worry for her, but at the same time, I would like to stay away...

Can you imagine this! "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" You hear it?! God is loving the entire world! Do you know how many people there are in the entire world, and all through the centuries? And loves them to death!

My point is, it's so tiring even to love just ONE!

Angry Young Man

I met an angry young man yesterday. His job was to clear dishes at a public eatery. As usual after Church service, we went to this eatery for lunch and I helped clear the table by removing a tray. I thought I was doing a favour by helping to return the tray to the cleaner's trolley. But before I could put down the tray, it was tore forcefully from my hand! I was totally shock by the young cleaner's rudeness as I started flinging away the waste water that was spilled onto my hands.

Undeterred, he flared his eyes at me and shouted, "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS TRAY!!!"

"I've no idea..." 'cos I didn't put it there myself...

"YOU MEAN YOU TOOK THE TRAY HERE AND YOU HAVE NOOOO IDEA WHERE YOU'VE FOUND IT?!"

I couldn't believe his temper! I wished somebody would leash him there and then before he charged at me. I'd a few choices then, one, to challenge him, get his name so that I can lodge a complaint against him and get him out of job, two, stand my ground and tell him, "SHUT UP, JUST DO YOUR JOB!", or ..., something more peaceful.

He was the one with the bad attitude, not me, so I chose the easier way out of that sticky situation. I touched his shoulder slightly and said, "You don't have to be like this young man..." and I turned and hurried off as fast as I could, not giving him a chance to challenge me further.

When I sat down, I saw him complaining about my unpardonable sin to the other customers... Why did he kick up such a fuss? Perhaps I shouldn't have put that tray onto his trolley, but couldn't he just explain why?

The thoughts that ran through my mind; he must be a school drop-out, uneducated, couldn't find a better job, sick of clearing cups and plates, sick of returning trays to the rightful stall-keepers, and sick of customers making his job more complicated, more drudgery than it was... Frankly, I was thinking if he couldn't handle such a simple job, what good is he?

In stark contrast to him, I've met another young man who has been through much hardships but that didn't stop him from treating others with respect!

ATTITUDE, it makes ALL the difference in life!

Affirmations

The situation in my ministry is getting complex and sticky. Human beings are complex and sticky. While I was comforted by God's words from 1Co 9:22-23 "To the weak I became weak, that I might gain the weak: I am become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some. And I do all things for the gospel’s sake, that I may be a joint partaker thereof ", I'm remorseful of the ways I'd responded to some of the things in the past...

I'm confused about what had happened and how much I'd contributed to the mess, and whether I was misled etc.. I really wish I can put an end to all these now. I really wish to just turn over whatever unfinished work to Christ and leave for a while. Anyway, I don't see myself helping out much nowadays, I've cracked my mind thinking of all sort of means and ways to help my charges in their work, but they are not progressing now, being beset by personal problems beyond them. I've counselled them to no avail. I feel so useless. Even bringing them to Church now seems riddled with new problems.

Everyone in my team is disheartened with poor business and broken relationships. I'm sick of it.

But my spouse interrupted my thoughts with this, "God's ways are higher than yours..." Yes, while I feel overwhelmed, I would like to affirm that God is sovereign and know my thoughts and ways. He has used me, a cracked pot in this ministry and knew the mistakes I would make, and still, He has chosen me to do it. I shall continue to believe that God is in control, that doors which He has opened, no man shall close. God will have His way, and God will take care of those He loves, and those He loves through me.